The Crazy Page

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

FLIPPEN SNAAKS

Liewe Kersvader,

Hoe gaan dit met Oom? En met Tannie Krismis? Ek hoop al die takbokke en die
Elwe is ook almal gesond.
Soos u seker weet, was ek die jaar ŉ baie soet seun. Ek sal asseblief ŉ X-Box 360
met Grensvegter klaar gelaai, en ŉ nuwe Apple IPhone 5 wil ontvang vir Kersfees.
Groete en ŉ Geseende Kersfees,
Bennie Botha

Liewe Bennie,
Dankie vir jou mooi briefie. Die tannie, die takbokke en al my helpertjies is almal
blakend gesond en hulle laat weet dankie dat jy uitvra na hulle. Kersvader is egter
bekommerd dat jy te veel tyd spandeer met videospeletjies en selfoontekse stuur.
Jy is juis besig om bietjie lywig te raak weens te min oefening. Daarom, en
omdat jy so soet was, dink ek dat ek liewer vir jou ietsie gaan bring waarmee jy
buite kan speel en van daai ekstra vetjies ontslae raak.
Geseende Kersfees,

Kersvader

Geagte Mnr. Kersfees,
Siende dat ek my deel van ons soet teenoor stout kontrak nagekom het, voel ek
vol vertroue dat u ŉ plan sal maak om my te gun wat my toekom. Ek wil nie
graag hierdie feestyd skend en omskep in ŉ hofgeding nie. Verder dink ek dis
bietjie vermetel om te verwys na my gewig, veral komende van ŉ oorgewig man
wat maar een keer per jaar buite kom.
Hoogagtend die uwe,
Ben Botha

Meneer Botha,
Hoewel ek toegegee het dat jy jou beter gedra het die jaar, moet ek jou daarop
wys dat jou Kerslys slegs ŉ versoeklys is en op geen manier ŉ waarborg is dat
dienste gelewer sal word nie. Dis egter jou volle reg om wetlike stappe te neem,
maar neem kennis dat ek en my prokureurs al suksesvol sake doen sedert
Dierebeskerming my aangevat het oor die werkslas van my takbokke. Ek is dus
meer as gewillig om jou aan te vat in die hof. Verder wil ek ook net byvoeg dat
die oefening wat ek voorskryf, nie net jou gesondheid sal verbeter nie, maar dit
sal jou ook help met jou sosiale interaksie en selfs van daardie klomp puisies op
jou gesig laat opklaar.
Die Uwe,
Kersvader

Kyk hier Vettie,
Ek het jou nou klaar laat weet wat ek wil he en ek verwag dat jy dit vir my gaan
bring. Ek was maar net beleefd. Maar nou, omdat jy my in die gesig vat en my
vriende ook nog bysleep, gaan ek hulle juis teks en ons gaan vir jou met jou
dikgat inwag en ek gaan VAT uit daai sak van jou NET WAT EK WIL!
Breker Botha

Luister Pizzagevreet,
Is jy gerook? Dink jy ŉ ou wat by ELKE huis in die wereld inbreek in een nag,
sonder om gevang te word, gaan skrik vir ŉ snotneus soos jy? Ek weet wanneer
jy slaap en ek weet wanneer jy wakker is, jou klein stront. Besef jy hoeveel
kontakte ek het, my pel? Ek is bedraad, ou maat! Op my rondtes sien ek siek
goed. Ek het maniere om jou te laat bloei waar mens nie wil bloei nie. As ek jou
moet vertel, skiet jy net daar ŉ kat op jou ma se duur persiese mat. Wees
verseker jy gaan nie kry wat jy voor gevra het nie, maar ek gaan steeds opdaag
en dan kan ons bietjie jou pyndrumpel toets.
KV

Liewe Kersvader,
Bring vir my net wat jy wil, ek sal ENIGE IETS waardeer!
Bennietjie

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

This is why the crime rate is so high

Open this quietly...

You woudn’t want to disturb anyone...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Horny Pool Party

And you were expecting ... what, exactly ..?

Sometimes I worry about you!

Monday, October 1, 2012

HANGING BY MY BOOB

"HANGING BY MY BOOB"

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honour, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances." The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag. "Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOOooo! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".