AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.   

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE -  Q20 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20.   IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.  

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.  

 
 

Moishe the Carpenter

Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favour: “Shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”The robber obliged. He threw Moishe’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my coat.”So the robber shot a number of holes through the carpenter’s coat. “And now…” continued Moishe. “Sorry,” interrupted the robber. “No more holes. I’m out of bullets.”“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.

My Letter to Santa Claus

Christmas is still a couple of months away.  And while that seems like a long time, it will creep up on us faster than blowflies on a dead raccoon (but hey, you can make meatloaf out of it).

Anyway, I have decided to write my letter to Santa early, so the fat, jolly man can get a head start on making my wishes come true.  I’m a planner like that.  Plus?  I’m demanding and want everything on my list.

Here’s my letter:

Dear Santa,

I think I’ve been a good girl this year.  Sure, it’s only August, but I’m not planning any naughtiness unless you count ringing my neighbour’s doorbell and running away as she opens the door with only her ratty blue nightgown on and her hair in a crappy ponytail with mascara streaked down her face as she holds a bottle of beer in her hand.  That’s all in fun – hardly naughty.  Anyway, as it stands, I’m gonna be a damn fine little princess.  So?  I think you should fulfill my wish list.  While some things on it may seem unobtainable, I’m sure you can make it happen.  I mean helloooo?  YOU ARE SANTA FUCKING CLAUS.
 
I’d like a Hummer.  I do have a SUV but a Hummer is a bigger SUV than what I currently have.  Why do I need a bigger SUV?  Duh.  To run over the bitches that try to cut me off while driving or run stop signs and then give me the finger.  The hell?  Oh no you di’int.  And while I can technically run over those crazy bitches, with a Hummer, there would be way less damage to my vehicle.  Yes.  It’s all about me.  I’m cute like that.

I’d like a new pair of sharp, shiny scissors.  You know, for shanking.  I like a clean, perfect shanking and with dull scissors, you don’t get that.  Make them pink, please.

I’d like you to eradicate all stupid people.  Start with the woman who works at the grocery store who constantly spews her stupid.  Her stupid is so stupid it wants to stab itself in the stupid face.  And honestly, doesn’t this make me very selfless?  I mean people will love me if all the stupid people are gone.  They’ll be all like, "ohmygosh! you asked Santa to get rid of all the stupid people, we love you!"  See?  Win-win situation for everyone.

A bag of money.  Oh come on now, I’ve helped get rid of all the stupid people… I deserve a big bag of money.  Like a huge bag of money.  Huge money.  Lotsa money.  Make it happen, you jolly old soul.

Burn all the Snuggies.  Seriously, dude.  Snuggies are redonkulous.  It’s a fucking robe worn backward.  It is.  Just look at it.  And I’d like you to ho-ho-ho punch all the people who buy their loved ones a Snuggie.  Really?  What kind of asshat are you if you purchase someone you care about, a Snuggie?  I’d rather have Vince the Slap Chop dude sprinkle his nuts on my ice cream cone.  Anything is better than a Snuggie.  And now?  There are Snuggies for dogs.  The fuck?  No.  Burn the Snuggies.  I know you can do it, Santa.  You’ve got people.  Or elves.  Whatever.  Same difference.

Drop the guy at the post office a note that lets him know when he talks to me as I’m purchasing a stamp, I’d prefer if he looked at my face.  My face is not down my shirt.  Tell him that his slyness is so not working.  He’s about as subtle as Miss Piggy and twice as annoying.

Boots.  You know what I like.

Please don’t let Paris Hilton become a mom.  Is that wrong of me?  OK, at least not until she matures.  I mean really, she’s  just a mere child with a wonky eye.

Tell Kanye West he’s annoying.  Put coal in his stocking.  Explain to him that most people think he’s a big, whiny douchenozzle.  Make him understand.

Boots.  Did I mention I want boots?  A few pair.  Heels.  Thigh-highs.  Ankle.

In closing, I’d like to thank you in advance, Santa.  I know you won’t want to disappoint me because I’ve been a good girl (see opening paragraph) and a lot of my wishes will help others, not just me, so that makes me awesome, right?  Right.

I promise to leave you your favorite cookies and a big glass of milk (I may get hungry while waiting for you, and in that event, you can just get your own damn cookies and milk.  You know where to find them).  I’ll just ask you to take off your snow-covered boots before tramping across my hardwood floors.

Thank you, Santa.

Some Stupid Food For Thought

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Was the invention of the shovel, ground breaking?

If guns don't kill people, people kill people. Does that mean that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

If laughter is the best medicine, and weed makes you laugh..... does that make weed the best medicine?

If a lighter is used to smoke pot, does that make it a highlighter?

Call a woman a "bitch" and she's offended. Put "bad" in front of it and she's honored...

Drinking alcohol makes one an alcoholic. So does drinking Fanta make me fantastic?

Application For Employment

Cancel your credit card BEFORE you die

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless .

A lady died this past January, and ABSA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been R0.00, is now R60.00.
 

A family member placed a call to the ABSA Bank call centre:

 

Family Member:
 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

 ABSA:
 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 Family Member:
 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

 ABSA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

 Family Member:
 So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

 ABSA:
 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!'

 Family Member:
 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

 ABSA:
'Excuse me?'

 Family Member:
 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

 ABSA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

 Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

 ABSA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 ABSA:
 (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 Family Member:
 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

 ABSA:
 'Could you fax us a certificat e of death?'

 Family Member:
 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

 After they get the fax:

 ABSA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

 Family Member:
 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

 ABSA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

 Family Member:
 'Would you like her new billing address?'

 ABSA:
 'Th at might help.'

 Family Member:
 ' West Park Cemetry, 12 West Park Road , Johannesburg , Plot Number 1049.'

 ABSA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

 Family Member:
 'Well, what the f&@**n do you do with dead people on your planet?'   
    

Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
 
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks: 'How am I doing?'
 
The prostitute replies: 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
 
'Three knots?' he asks.. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
 
She says: "You're knot hard, you're knot in...and you're knot getting your money back.'

A Stolen Blackberry

Bongi lost her BlackBerry & after some days she decided to call her number to see if somebody will be honest enough 2 pick the call...

So she called her line & Vuyo answered...

VUYO: Hello! whom am I talking to?..
... ...
BONGI: It’s me!..The owner of the phone u are holding.

VUYO: Ooh it is u!.. I have been looking for u ever since I picked the phone.

BONGI : U mean u've been looking for me to give me back ma phone??!wooow!..that's nice of u. U such a sweet guy.

VUYO: NOOOH, yoh wena!..I want the charger!

This is not a bakery

Einstein vs. Mr. Bean

Einstein and Mr.Bean sitting next to each other on a long flight.

Einstein says, "Let's play a game. We ask each other questions, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only R50 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you R5000"

Einstein asks the first question: "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

Mr.Bean doesn't say a word, reaches his pocket, and pulls out a R50.

Now, it's Mr.Bean's turn. He asks Einstein: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs?"

Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart friends. After an hour he gives Mr.Bean R5000.

Einstein going nuts and asks: "Well, so what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?

Mr.Bean reaches his pocket and gives Einstein R50....