While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had
been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honour,
I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances." The female Judge
said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating
circumstances." I did too soooo I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was
met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you
to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this
gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right
side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
"Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so
why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My
body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.
"Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in
this vice alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said,
"Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency
hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOOooo! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba
and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with
part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between
glass! After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible,
"Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now"
Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt
to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came
back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and
said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to
the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said
that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned
over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the
side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile
that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got
too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain
forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The
crocodile looked up and said,
So the koala looked down at him and said,
How much water did you drink!?'