Monday, August 6, 2012

Vodacom, now employs ninjas

Dear Petrus Johannes Uys.

As you may be aware you are the CEO of Vodacom, or are you? I don’t mean to imply that you aren’t the CEO, because according to your website, you clearly are.  What I am asking is, are you aware of the fact that you have been promoted to CEO?  Did they come tell you in person where after you had a big old office party with swanky strippers and Locknville or did you get an SMS that simply read “Your phone is now registered for RICA and by the way you are now CEO, congratulations” ? On the other hand if it was swanky you’d probably get Bonnie Tyler instead of Locknville, she’s way more relevant anyway.

You probably got the SMS right? Seeing as how Vodacom is all about efficiency and not wasting money. No wait.  You just had that big red re-branding thing which must’ve cost a lot of money. But at least you got Cell-C to pay old Trevor Noah some more cash to stand in front of a  street racer and do his “clever, intelligent, consumer savvy” skit. Money I’m sure they didn’t have. I guess he with the deepest pockets laugh last hey?

So you waste money, but then again with such a great example set by government, who can blame you.  At least you are efficient. No, wait.  There was that problem I had with Eve’s phone where it took us twelve months, several trips to the Vodashops, bank statements, proof of address, a blood sample, a sworn allegiance to the “New World Order” and promising our first born to the gods of Vodacom – just to get the contract into her name.  I exaggerate, we didn’t have to give a blood sample.

Now the reason for my letter to you.  I must applaud your cunning use of Ninjas.  No one has thought of this before and the best thing is, total deniability – because no one sees the Ninjas. Brilliant. Absolute genius. You should totally be running a company or something.

Now I am sure right now you are thinking “What Ninjas?”, which is exactly the deniability I was talking about.  I am of course talking about the Ninjas that broke into my house whilst I was in the shower. They made a copy of my ID, checked my simcard and made sure I actually lived there, then RICA’d my phone, probably using some cool new Ninja sword.  You guys always get the cool new tech toys.

How do I know this happened? Well let me tell you PJ.  I got an SMS from your company saying 082 XXX XXXX is now registered for RICA, For more information, call Vodacom Customer Care on 082111 (FREE from your Vodacom cellphone)” Now let me assure you, my number isn’t xxx xxxx, I just wanted to make sure I don’t get strange phone calls from the local clergy.  They are quite pesky, although I must admit I am a little out of their league and normal age range.

Also let me assure you, I most certainly, did not go RICA my phone. When I enquired on Twitter to your Vodacom team they asked me “are you sure you didn’t go RICA your phone“. I actually guffawed.  Now a guffaw isn’t just a laugh, it is a laugh that shakes your whole body, the blood actually drains from your brain and you almost black out, you quite literally become stupid for a short span of time. Which is probably what happened to your team that asked me the question.

It turns out my phone had been RICA’d to my ex, ex, ex girlfriend’s name in a province some 1200 kilometers away as part of some promotion.  You should please speak to your Ninja team as I don’t mind them RICA’ing my phone but what I do mind is that they took my ID, my sim card and phone all the way to Riviona and back again. What if they lost my ID? What then? When last have you been to home affairs, it is a bloody nightmare.

Now your Vodacom team wants me to go to the Vodacom store to go “sort” this out. Well, why not just send the Ninja team over and “un-RICA” my phone.

Thanks champ



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