If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's
lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to
"Honey," I called, "come look at the
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked"
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.
and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
*"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that. ..
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little .. . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling
on a lizard's winkie:
Moral of the story: Pay attention
in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs